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Fan Mail from Troma Citizens
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"Dear
Lloyd Kaufman..."
FAN MAIL TO TROMA! (2003-03/2003-08)
Want
to share your stories with Lloyd? Drop
him a line! |
8-8-03 Dear Lloyd
My name is John - Paul and I am writing from Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
which is an hour South of Toronto. I was unable to make it to the premiere
at the Bloor Street Cinema, sorry. Anyway, I just wanted to write to
give you my critique of CITIZEN TOXIE since I just bought it on DVD
yesterday.
Firstly, I didn't think that the movie was as accomplished as Tromeo
and Juliet or Terror Firmer. I think that the reason is that with those
two movie's you were dealing with, technically human, character's. Superhero's
really don't interest me as there motivation's are usually in black
and white with very little grey in between.
The only exception with this was the portrayal of S.G.T. Kabukiman.
I thought that he was a fully realized character in the movie and gave
one of the best performance's. Tito was a great character and Jame's
Gunn's cameo was excellent, Joe was superb and over all everyone did
a great job.
There is one person that I would like to single out and that is Lisa
Terezakis who played Sweety Honey. I thought that she provided the heart
and soul of the movie and gave an incredible performance.
I think that the problem with the movie is that when you are dealing
with superhero's one must expect superheroic's and I am afraid that
the budget did not allow for the type of action sequence's seen in the
BLADE movie's.
So please do yourself a favour Lloyd, please do not make another Toxic
Avenger sequel for at least another decade and concentrate on original
production's. The TROMA formula should be IDEA'S first, COMEDY second
and GORE third.
I thought that the DVD was excellent and had a great number of extra's
even though I would have liked to see more of Lisa Terezakis.
As for your chicken zombie film, please don't call it Poultry-Giest
because that title sucks. Call it TASTES LIKE CHICKEN. Set it in a fast
food joint like K.F.C. the idea should be that they don't actually use
any chicken in any of there products' kind of like how McDonald's chicken
McNuggets contain very little if any chicken at all. Have it that the
business is very successful and people can't get enough of the chicken
but over a period of time the toxic chemicals build up until it kill's
the population turning them into zombie's. You also have to have a love
story taking place between two employee's of the fast food joint and
an attack on the place by the zombie's who crave the chicken forces
the boy and girl to realize their feeling for one another.
Anyway, enough of my demented raving's. I hope that you found this letter
helpful and steers you in the right direction. |
| 8-8-03 Lloyd, I just
want to thank you for all of the words of wisdom shared with all of
your fans in your book, "Make your own damn movie!" I have never read
such and honest and (sometimes) direct book on independant film-making.
Thank you for your enthusiastic outlook on the artform known as film.Now, enough of
the dick-sucking session, and on to the real reason I'm writing to you...
TO BEG FOR A JOB!!!!! I have loved films and every aspect of making
them since I was dick-high. I started making my own films a few years
back with my friends and have decided that this is the carreer for me.
I want to spend the rest of my life creating stories for others to enjoy
and discuss. I live in California, so in order for me to work at Troma,
it would require a huge sacrifice, because I have no money. I swear
on my fathers testicles that if you would allow me the honor and privilage
of working with you and your team, I would be willing to sell everything
I own in order to get to your office, I would sleep on the floor, eat
from the trash, and make my own clothes out of my asshair, just so I
can reach my goal. And I believe that you Lloyd, could help me reach
it. I've attached
a script for the film we are shooting now, "Tequila Mockingbird". It
is unfinished and I need to rewrite some of the earlier scenes, but
I think you might get a kick out of it. I would greatly appreciate any
comments or feedback on it. And I appologize for the lack of lesbians
and the whatnot, but like I said, I have no money and it's hard to get
my fine ass lady friends to strip down for me, but thye are hot, just
clothed (but barely, I SWEAR!) So, I hope you
can look into your cold, black, puss-ridden heart, and give this proposition
some consideration, and in the words of one of the finest film-makers
to have ever lived, "If I don't geta job at Troma I'M GONNA BLOW MY
FUCKING BRAINS OUT!" Tromite for life,
Yo Matt AP.S. The melon
heads.... work like a charm every fuck'n time. |
| 7-29-03 Hello, I just
recently heard about and became a Troma fan thanks to my new roomate.
He has a huge Troma DVD collection. I have always loved horror movies
and low budget films, and used to spend my free time with a group of
friends making our own horror movies with just a camcorder and any type
of food we could come up with that would look like blood and guts on
camera. I am very surprised I had never heard of Troma before. After seeing
a few of your movies so far, I wanted to take the time to write this
email and show my appreciation for making movies with issues and ideas
that other movie makers would be too scared to do. I love independent
art and the Troma team! So far I have
had the time and great pleasure to watch Toxic Avengers one through
four, Class of Nuke Em High, Terror Firmer, Chopper Chicks in Zombie
Town, and Cannibal! The Musical. The movies are great, Lloyd's intros
to the movies are absolutely brilliant, and the DVD extras are awesome.
Thank you Lloyd Kaufman and everyone else at the Troma Team, and please
keep up the excellent work of independent art!Jeremy J |
| 7-28-03 Well hopefully
this is the email of Lloyd Kaufman. I would assume it is seeing that
it is lloyd@troma.com and the fact that it’s on pages 10 and 14
in the book by Lloyd Kaufman, Make Your Own Damn Movie. And after all
in the book it says that it is. But if by some bazaar chance it isn't
or if the email transfer screws up and it ends in Barbra Walters email,
just ignore the rest of this message. Lloyd, my name is Chris Gierowski
and ever since I read your first book on the can freshman year of high
school, I wanted to make movies. I know it is a struggling lifestyle
and I probably would have better job security at Applebee's, but it
is something I enjoy doing and is worth dedicating blood and sweat and
semen, yeah you heard me. My dream is to start off under your wing on
the set of any upcoming movie you plan on making. But with college coming
up in the fall at the University of Toledo (where I will be studying
film/video) I probably won't be able to. At least until next summer
anyway. I've been making short movies with my friends for the past four
years now and I believe I've gotten good at it. With such titles like,
"One Crazy Day", "Paleface" (in which the killer is almost the same
as in Angel Negro but that was not found out until a year later, and
kind of got us pissed), and who can forget the classic and first movie
we made "The Rabid Baby." I have made a dvd with all of our movies on
it I will send to you eventually. Anyways, when you were in Cleveland
for the Toxic Avenger IV premier, I met you for the first time. You
most likely don’t remember because it was last year and you probably
met tons of people then but I’ll try to make you remember. You
were about to leave the Rock Hall and I came up to you with a question,
you had your hands full and you dropped everything to shake my hand.
Now that’s what I call true warmth. And I asked you when Decampitated
was coming out on dvd. And you said sometime in the future and then
asked if I liked it like you were surprised someone actually liked it.
Well I didn’t at first, the only reason I bought it was because
of the trailer for it. I thought it was pretty cool. And then later
that night at the premiere, you signed my book and mistakenly thought
my name was Patrick, but that was the friend I took with me to meet
you at the Rock Hall. Starting to remember? Oh well. I hope I’m
not too creepy for your liking. I do have a girlfriend and leave the
house. It might just be the fact that my parents let me watch Troma
movies since I was dick high, but that’s beside the point. Anyways,
we are currently working on the sequel to our award winning movie from
the Independence Library Independent Film Festival, One Crazy Day. This
is called Next Crazy Day. We have a possible role for you. We might
not put it in, but of course if you played it then we would use it.
If you happen to be in the Cleveland area anytime between now and the
end of August, but it probably won’t get edited until Christmas
so there is a leeway there we can put you in it if you want. But anyways
the character is a mildly retarded gentleman who lives in a toilet shack.
His name is Uncle Donnie, he suffers from epileptic seizers and his
shack is called “Uncle Donnie’s Tinkle Shack” We plan
on making a sign that says that and to show he is a little slow, the
“N’s” and the “S’” and the “H”
will be backwards. So that’s about that. Hopefully you will get
this email Lloyd and hopefully you will write back. But if you don’t,
that’s ok. I know you are a busy man with all the movie making
and oral sex that film makers do to get by. I’ll understand. The youth that
you corrupted and looks up to you,Chris G |
| 7-27-03 A legally blind
guy came to my book signing in Dallas. Had a seeing eye dog. He was
a Christian and wanted to make a film about how he ended up blind. He’d
fallen off a bridge and nearly died, and found faith. It was sweet,
but I was trying hard not to laugh at him. It was a touching story but
I kept thinking of the film where you play a blind director.Tanner H |
7-23-03 Mr. Kaufman,My name is Antoine.
I live in NJ near Philly, i just got a copy of toxic 1, 2, and 3 from
a friend whom you know very well, Nick. I had to watch this film and
have been asking him about it for weeks, the last time I saw Toxic was
in 7th grade, back in 1989. I love this film, it brought back so many
reminders of my youth, like when my friends and I we're trying to score
some porns, but instead we stubbled upon the great New Jersey cult film
you call Toxic Avenger. NICE. thanks for making a great film. hope to
see something else in the Toxic genre soon. Nick and Illya we're right.
Troma rocks. yours truly,
Antoine P |
| 7-23-03 How ya doin'
Lloyd?I just wanted
to drop you a brief line to tell you how much I've enjoyed reading your
book "Make Your Own Damn Movie." I bought it a month or so
ago, and have just found the time over the last couple of days to actually
sit down and begin reading it. So far I've made it halfway into chapter
four and all the stuff that you've written about so far has been either;
a) thoughly educating, b) making me scratch my head and say "If
he can do this, then why the HELL can't I? or c) downright fucking hilarious.How that I've
gotten the obligatory ass-kissing out of the way, I just wanted to tell
you briefly how much I've enjoyed the Troma films through the years
as well. I first saw "The Toxic Avenger" when I was around
13 or 14 watching (I think) USA's Up All Night, where they showed some
wild shit. I didn't even know what Troma was, but I remembered loving
those movies. Then about two years ago, my best friend and I were on
a road trip when he stopped by a movie store and purchased a copy of
"Killer Condom." He began talking to me about Troma, and we
began collecting the movies. To date, my best friend (now roommate)
and I must have about fifteen or so DVDs and we're always hunting for
more!My best friend
and I have also been trying to get an independent film project started
over the last year and a half or so in our hometown of Knoxville, Tennessee,
but so far we've only met with utter failure. There just doesn't seem
to be enough interest in this God-forsaken hellhole in the buckle of
the Bible Belt to lash together a good, cheap low-grade horror movie.
I've written several short scripts and am working on a feature, but
so far none of our projects have made it to reality. Ah hell, I figure
one of these days we'll get SOMETHING shot...(Time for more
ass-kissing...) Anyways, Lloyd I just wanted to say thanks for bringing
us some fucking hilarious movies over the last thirty years or so. And
showing us that it doesn't take a shitload of cash to make a good movie.
If you ever need a couple of dedicated student filmmakers on a project,
by all means, think of me and my best friend Chris when recruiting PAs
and Grips, okay?Thanks again!Sincerely,Tanner H |
7-21-03 hi lloyd,i don't
know it you remember me. this is peter, i worked the slate on toxie
4, and participated in the porn set flashback as the "cum mopper"
or whatever. it was a shining moment .anyway,
i just wanted to tell you that i recently completed my first feature
film. it's a low budget urban neo-noir that i shot on dv. i'm hoping
to send it festivals and use it as my ticket to paying directing gigs.
i wanted to let you know that i really learned alot from you and from
working on citizen toxie. i never realized how much i had learned until
i started working on other films, many of which were typical hollywood
bureaucracies in which i was getting paid to pretty much stick my thumb
up my ass for 12 hours. as a 21 year old kid, it was extremely valuable
for me to really get in the trenches on toxie and learn on the job.
how to shoot on a low budget, how to deal with people, the importance
of coverage, these are lessons that i learned and put into practice
when i made my film, "bad night", which i would love to send
to you if possible. i know you're busy so i won't push. really i just
wanted to thank you for the opportunity to work on toxie back in 99'
and to wish continued good luck to you and to troma!sincerely,
peter m |
7-21-03 Good day!!!I hope you have
enjoy your stay in Montreal!!!..This is Natacha
(the mulatto chick that hang out with you guys all week). Just like
I said I would do, I am writing to both you, Lloyd, and Edward mr. Webmaster,
regarding my crave to be a Tromette. I wanted to be one way before your
visited here and, well, I just want it more now!You had mentionned
paperwork/authorisations to be filled. I am all up for it. I will have
photos taken in the next week, and will be developping them ASAP (hopefully
before the end of the month).I just want to
state that any help you need in the Montreal area, me and Jacob will
be more than happy to help; when you guys are here, or not... If we
were in the NY area we would have applied a long time ago for a job
actually. Anyway, we were already promoting Troma's movies for the past
year or so, to whoever wanted to hear us. so If you agree, there is
a couple of things that we could do to help promote Troma here in Montreal
like, for exemple, hopefully schedule monthly screening of Troma's movies
(I believe there is a good Fan base & we do have a couple of aces
up our sleeves) and as well make some promotion for you by our website
at the-neverland.comAnyway, I will
be awaiting for your answer/paperwork and will be desinging my photoshoot
tonight actually.
Take Care!!
Natacha B
a.k.a. ONYXX
" We live
in a rainbow of chaos " |
| 7-21-03 Hi Lloyd,I just want to
briefly thank you again for the opportunity to participate in the Troma
video shoot with Purple Pam. Pam and her band were excellent, and funny,
and the Troma team was fantastic! It was nice meeting you--you are so
down to earth, and seem so dedicated to making great independent films
(as well as helping others learn how to do it too)! I learned a lot,
and I can't wait to learn more. I wanted to help out more, was torn
between wanting to offer more assistance and not wanting to seem like
a pest or get in the way.At any rate,
I'm attaching a copy of my resume again just to remind you of my background.
Please keep me in mind for the next production you have -- I will help
out in any way that I can, and keep me in mind for any openings you
might have in the office! I would even be interested in "interning"
a bit in the office so you can get an idea of my level of commitment,
my enthusiam, and my skills. I have pretty extensive computer knowledge,
I've worked as an administrative assistant, I've worked in sound production
in recording studios and radio stations, I've done a lot of film criticism
(which might help when it comes to selecting films for TromaDance, say),
I am good still photographer (my main camera at the moment is a Dimage
7), I am handy with video cameras (I was dying to film your "Making
of" documentary yesterday), I'm very organized and efficient, etc.I also write
scripts and fiction and compose and play music. I will try to shortly
submit material on both of those ends to you, as well.I would like
to help make Troma an even more successful company, and make your life
easier for you!Thanks,Brandt S.P.S. Thanks a
lot for the free DVD yesterday, also! |
7-11-03 Hi Lloyd!Greeting from
the great white north! I have recently developed an incurable addiction
to your movies and my MPAA supported therapist has advised that I attack
the roots of my addiction at the source. You see, it all started when
I borrowed Mother's Day and Tromeo and Juliet off a so called "friend".
Little did I know that a mere few months later I would own approximately
half the catalogue available (ok, I'm exaggerating here). However despite
my therapist's advise, I am in sincere gratitude to you and the Troma
Team and wish to express it here.Until I had discovered
your little movie company I had no idea that movies like this existed
and my life and outlook on the world is forever changed. I have seen
the R-rated version of Toxie 2 and hated it. I then found the real director's
cut and it is now one of my favorite Troma movies (and just so you know,
Troma movies are MY favorite movies period). Shame on the MPAA! How
dare they edit and censor an artist's work in such a shameful way. We
know that they cut up Troma movies not in an effort to protect the public
from sensitive material, but rather to destroy real art and render such
movies as unwatchable. They know what they are doing. By butchering
your movies they ensure that you and your company are kept at the bottom
and struggling. They realize that such movies depend on the over the
top violence and explicit themes to wow the audience. Without, such
films are essentially raped of their excellence. In my opinion this
is nothing short of criminal (I could not imagine the abuse that a friend
of mine went through watching the PG-13 cut of SGT K). Upon seeing the
director's cut, he now loves it. Another innocent victim of the MPAA
that could have been avoided!I did not want
this to turn into a rant but it has. The conspiracy of the corporate
elite is easily observable if one would only look, and I see the saga
of Troma Studios as a perfect example. In conclusion, I would like to
ask permission to use a short audio sample of Sardu (Bloodsucking Freaks)
on my bands debut album. We are called SUICIETY and the album "The
Pan Fry Method" and rest assured a copy or two will be showing
up in your offices soon for hopeful consideration. I would like to use
the clip "Now that's the reaction we are looking for!". We
would be honoured if granted such permission. It is amazing that our
music and your movies have many of the same themes seeing as I have
only recently been exposed to your groundbreaking and politically charged
work.You know what?
Fuck the therapist, fuck the MPAA, and most of all...FUCK HOLLYWOOD!!!
We the people know where the real and true entertainment is! Here's
to another 30 years of truely independent cinema.Thank you so
much for you time and keep making those awsome films!Mike D
Winnipeg, MB
Canada |
 7-11-03
mr. kaufman, my family just
got a dog (a french bulldog puppy), and after much deliberation we decided
to name him toxie! we had a list of about 50 movie-related names, but
toxie won out. i'm attaching a picture of him along with close-ups of
his tag bearing his name. if you can't open them please let me know.
i look forward to seeing you the next time you're in los angeles. long
live troma! Natalie F
|
7-11-03 I just had a
chat with my friend Rachel from Texas. She told me about how she met
Mr. Kaufman and how he made a major impact on her life. Now being a
big fan of Troma since I was a little shitter I had respect for the
biz, but I couldn't understand how Troma could influence lives. All
of that changed when she let me watch the Cannes documentary. I've been
looking for a little motivation for a career in college and I have been
wanting to be a film maker since the eighth grade. Mr. Kaufman's ideas
and believes so inspired me that I now know what I want to do with my
life. He is the motivation I never had and I am prepared to enter the
art of film. Just when I thought all of Hollywood had gone shallow,
and everything in Tinseltown was labeled with a fucking dollar sign,
I saw that there were still genuine, good-natured people like Mr. Kaufman
in this world. I just wanted to write this letter to inform Mr. Kaufman
(I'm sure he will never see this, but I wanted to try anyway) that he
has changed my life tonight, and if you are ever in need of some new
blood, please let me know. TROMA FOR PRESIDENT!!!Steve S.
. |
7-10-03
My wife recentely purchsed a number of your films for fathers day. We
have watched a movie (or 2) a night (no we don't get out much). It has
begun to affect our day to day lives, in rather odd ways. I will not
give you all the gory details, but i will tell you, my wife has begun
to sing along with some of the songs on a movie or 2, and has begun
to search out other movies in order to increase our tromatization. I
would like to thank the staff and those responsible for these fine movies
and give encouragement, 'cause we love your films, good ,bad or ugly. J, and V Aquino
Whitefish MT
|
7-8-03 Hey Lloyd. I
called you and left you a message and you never called me back,
you bastard! I wanted to try and join the Troma team in some respect
but since you never returned my call I went out and I bought your book:
"Make Your Own Damn Movie!" and you know what, that is just
what I am going to do!!!!! I will become the Lloyd Kaufman of the west
coast! Viva la California!!!!!!! I will make my own damn movie, but
I'm not stopping there - oh no! I will make many many more fabulous
films (starting naturally with my own goddamn movie, then moving on
to my own fucking movie and eventually getting along to my own goddamn
fucking movie you filthy sack of whore) and these films will garner
me and my crew a staggering level of cult success that you and your
minions have only seen in your toxic wet dreams! Wa-ha-ha! See you in
hell, Kaufman!!!!!!Just kidding
Lloyd, I love you (and I mean that in a purely physical way). You are
the god of all things indie and I would never try to flout you (not
that I couldn't! My powers are great and mysterious!) But I did want
to thank you for both your wonderful books which make me want to pick
up a camera again every time I read them. I used to make movies in high
school and even though I didn't know it - I was using the Troma method
almost to the last detail. So now I think I may actually try to jumpstart
my indie film career and your help and support would be great! So maybe
this time you will actually respond, but if not...long live tromaville!Mike Lewis K.
. |
7-2-03
Lloyd, I just had the
most truly Tromatic experience of my life...which is saying a lot considering
that I served a little bit of time in the boot camp for filmmakers that
is the Troma Building, which I may say is arguably the most important
building in the history of independent cinema! Now dig it, I got buddy
that needed something for the pipes (that's code because I don't know
if you guys really wanna hear about me goin' to get some pot...whoops...
I mean... uh... ) So we (me and a buddy, I didn't know where in the
fuck we were going) head on over to dude's house. Now, dig the street
is lookin' pretty familiar, but I can't quite place it, right? So we
go in, and sure as shit right there, about fifteen minutes into the
flick, is Cannibal! The Musical right there on the DVD!!!! I
was a very happy Tromite... I live for moments like that! It truly made
my evening. It was like about
15 minutes later, when my eyes were half way shut (that's more code)
that I asked my buddy what street we were on. He looks over and says,
"Evelyn." Now I know this doesn't mean much to y'all right
now, but hear me out. John Michael McCarthy, director of Troma's Superstarlet
A.D. lives on Evelyn Street here in lovely Memphis. When Lloyd was
here, he and I went over to JMM's house, hung out and watched a slide
show of one of his new starlets, Miss Super Teenage, and she was quite
naked. So I start thinking of the Tao of Troma, and what all goes into
it...oh! Wait, JMM only lives a coupla blocks from the weedman... I
mean... I mean my friend. But I really
got to thinking about Troma and what it means to the fans, and what
it means to me. Now I'm not gonna get real sappy, but I could. See,
every good memory I have I can trace back to Troma...well at least all
the good one's from when I was 11 on up. The first time I hung out with
who would eventually become my girlfriend, I had her watch Citizen
Toxie, The first time I got completely shit ass drunk I was watching
an E! special on Troma in a hotel room in Alabama, The first time I
jerked off and jerked off properly I was watching The Toxic Avenger,
also Toxie 1 was the movie that made me want to make movies....You name
it and Troma's always been there for me. You guys have never disappointed
me, or let me down, and I know you never will! That's the beauty of
Troma! Sure it would be easier if the money was there, and the if "the
powers that be" were allowed to suck each other dicks off in public,
rather than having to hide behind buildings, and laws, and ratings boards
that cost billions upon billions of dollars. But motherfucker it means
more to see someone put everything they have into it. It means so much
more when you can see a collective unit put their hearts and fuckin'
souls and their blood and their sweat and their tears into it... It
actually MATTERS!!! That's why I'm still fuckin' happy to be a part
of the Troma Team after three years... I mean I was a lowly little intern
continually getting fucked in ass by the marketing guy, spat upon by
the lawyers... fucking lawyers spit on me!! I was tortured and beaten
and raped and humiliated on a daily basis and I loved it! Dig, I know this
is getting a little long, so I'm'a wrap it up by saying, that nothing
has effected me more positively than Troma...which again may seem a
bit strange, but it works for me. Thanks for everything,
Ben JPS Lloyd, Liz
says hi, and that she can't wait to see you again.
|
7-2-03 Dear Mr. Kaufman:Congratulations
on Troma turning 30. I knew yous guys could do it.It just proves
that millions of people would watch your movies... and if given the
choice of watching a Michael Bay film or be hung by there left nut the
choose the left nut thing.
i must say i have been wanting to make movies since i was 4 and i became
a troma fan when i was 6 years old watching The Toxic Avenger for the
first time, i was glued forever.
and there was a time wre i almost gave up but then i read "All
i need to know about Filmmaking i learned from the Toxic Avenger"
and i saw the misty green light. i was put on this earth to make movies.
and it was beacuse of you Lloyd. My expectations
were raised even higher when i Voulentered for you last year at a Citizen
Toxie premiere. Meeting you was a dream come true. You are the reason
why i love cinema. you are the reason why i want to be a filmmaker.and
i wan to tahnk you for all the years of inspiration.Happy 30th aniversary
Lloyd And to Mr. Herz too and thank you Very Truly
Ian M |
7-2-03
Dear Mr.Kaufman,
I'm just writing to say how much we love the mighty "Toxic Avenger."
I'm sending this from the UK, where we're just a tad short of ANY real
decent hero. I know Mr. Avenger may not be able to get over to us that
often, so I'd like to ask if we can please have a signed picture of
either your good self or the gentelman in question?
Thanks for taking the time to read my drivel and we both wish you all
the very best for the future.
Cheers,
John and Michaela
|
7-1-03Hello Lloyd,And greetings
from Venice Beach, California. This is Kenneth Brady contacting you,
your friendly Waitron that served you and Pat breakfast last Sunday
morning.I hope you survived
our food.Yesterday I read
a few of your essays. Three in fact (legalizing marijuana, the WTO,
and new technology), and I found them perfectly in line with my own
opinions. So I must thusly congratulate you on your keen intellect.Especially the
WTO essay. I hope you write more about it. I think it is the overriding,
fundamental issue that will shape how the much of the 21st century unfolds.The monolgue
film that I am finishing, holds the same tenets that are expressed in
your essays, but the tone is more sober, as if the hero/protagonist
(myself) is an average guy, learning to his shock and dismay, the crimes
committed on behalf of the Cold War.I am hoping that
this approach will enable me to find a larger audience. I believe that
many people hold these feeling in their hearts, and are sympathetic
to the idea of taking responsibility for our past as well as trying
to understand it.And to be frank,
when I finish it, I wish to screen it for you, privately, in NY or LA,
and to enlist you in the efforts to bring this movie to the public.
I am completely clueless as to how this could manifest itself. I am
still trying to figure out alternative distribution and exhibition strategies.
I love the Internet, but still love the idea of an audience, huddled
with other strangers in a dark room, getting their minds completely
fucked with. How to have one path serve the other, this is the ultimate
goal.And lastly, I
appreciate your attitude in your essays. They are very matter-of-fact,
hysterical, but calm too. No pandering bullshit, just some plain truths
laid out. The truth and the "idea of truth" are both so marginalized
today, that there is no real dialogue between Left and Right. The Right
owns all the conversation. And it is up to us to fight that. We have
no choice, so we have no other choice.Next time you're
in LA, if you like, I'll buy you a cup of coffee.Nice meeting
you again Lloyd.Best,
Kenneth |
7-1-03 From: TwoTenTons
To: Lloyd
Subject: Big gus what's the fuss
why the fuck does that peice of shit movie cost $75?! I mean you should
be paying me to take it off your hands if it really sucks so bad!
-SlingPS I'd love to
work on one of your movies, my qualifications include liking cheese
sanwhiches, being used to sleeping on hard wood floors, willingness
to shit/piss anywhere, a complete disregard for personal hygene (no
having to pay for me to take a shower) and the ability to scratch and
smoke cigarettes with the best of them. |
6-26-03
Are you there, Lloyd? It’s me, Danny (this is, of course, a reference
to Judy Blume, the beloved author of numerous children’s books,
including her controversial classic The Noises Mommy Makes At Night).Re: Where I went
to school – My formal education ended when I dropped out of the
12th grade to hitchhike around the country (and also to have more time
for reading…in some parts of the country, trying to hitch a ride
leaves you PLENTY of time to read); my resume, at present, is mainly
a catalogue of my independent projects over the last ten years. I’ll
happily attach it here, along with a copy of my MYOD review and my current
thoughts on the FCC (I sent these previously from my other email account,
but I’m sending them again, just in case the other message was,
well, you know...“intercepted”). I had to cut the review down
by half to meet barnesandnobles.com’s submission requirements,
and if I don’t see the full version that I sent to amazon turn
up soon, I’ll try sending them the shorter cut (I’m almost
willing to admit that my original essay on the book ran a little long;
self-editing isn’t my strongest trait, unless I’m on set,
in which case I can figure out ways to drop or change entire scenes,
if necessary, and find new ways to make the project work. I’ve
done this with every movie I’ve ever made. In the trenches, I’m
a fast fucking thinker...of course, you HAVE to be, on a tight schedule
with everyone expecting you to have the answers when a problem arises
with the original plan...but as a lone writer, at my leisure, I tend
to write and write and... where was I?). The revised review has already
appeared at epinions.com, where it will hopefully balance out the only
other write-up on the site, written by some stuffy prick. Man alive,
I don’t like stuffy pricks. They bore me. I am at war with boredom!Next stop, telephone.
I’ll try to get a hold of you on Friday (and thank you very, very
much for the invitation; I am the envy of all my friends: Troma has
quite a following in Tacoma. It may be the rhyming names, but more likely,
it’s the fact that Tacoma is heavily polluted by local industry
and the residents relate to the good people of Tromaville). Meanwhile,
my days are spent packing up my stuff and moving into a friend’s
garage, and continuing to face the daunting task of finding a job (this
is an ugly fucking time to be unemployed; if you attend that Yale reunion
at the White House, please inform Bush that I’m very unhappy with
him...and for that matter, everyone that made him possible, starting
with Edward Harriman, who gave Prescott Bush his start...actually, don’t
mention that, you’ll probably be detained).Also, I’m finally
reading James Gunn’s novel, The Toy Collector. It’s a fine
portrayal of my generation’s obsession with our childhood. Gunn
is a few years older than me, but we grew up with similar fixations
(midwestern Catholic boys who found a more resonant spiritual calling
in our earliest exposure to pop culture). And he’s kept his looks
a hell of a lot better than I have. For one thing, he still has his
hair. Mine went the way of the dodo while I was trying to shoot a no-budget
project with 80 speaking parts. Everything was fine until the crew revolted,
those ratfuckers (no, really, they’re all still dear friends...the
traitorous ratfuckers). I have since returned to smaller-scale productions.P.S. Are you
familiar with Buffy Sainte Marie, the Native American hippie folk singer?
She’s kind of scary. I’ve been listening to one of her ‘60s
albums lately, and I’ve started to feel like the wind is talking
to me. I don’t think I’m going to listen to her anymore. But
if I get any brilliant ideas from the wind, I’ll let you know.
|
6-26-03 All The Love
You Cannes kicks so much ass! Its one of my favorite DVD releases now.
I hope to one day volunteer on the trip to cannes, or in any other capacity.
I go to troma.com every day and watch at least one troma movie every
day, why? because TROMA KICKS ASS. I love you and troma lloyd! stay
independent!
Travers |
6-24-03
Hello, Mr. Lloyd Kaufman!My name is billie
miles and I wanted to thank you for taking time out of your busy book/movie
making life to read this. I am a 23 year old gyno interested in filmmaking.
I'm attending the lowly Scottsdale Community College, the only film
school in the Phoenix metropolitan area. I was on a class shoot yesterday,
and I was kind of pissed that the class made each one of us throw in
$10 for catering. $10! I thought "Why not just throw that money
into production and eat ham and cheese sandwiches! fuck the vegetarians!"
(I dont mind picking off the ham... I'm a vegetarian, myself :) ). This
made me think of your book that I'm currently reading, Make Your Own
Damn Movie. Actually, in August, the class starts on their own 5-minute
film. Since I am learning more about low-budget independent filmmaking
from you than I am from a class that charges $10 a day for catering,
I wanted to throw in an homage to troma by adding a Troma horror montage.
My project is untitled, and its about a lost and lonely fourteen-year-old
boy who is taunted at school for his hobby of watching classic horror
movies, who finally finds friendship in another horror film buff. I
want to definitely give you and Troma credit, and, outside of maybe
(and I use maybe loosely) playing in
a Scottsdale film festival with other students shorts, it will hardly
see the light of day. I am already grateful to you for even letting
me write to you, but could I have your permission to use clips of your
films to briefly play in my short film? If or If not, I thank you so
much for giving a girl like me real hope of one day creating the kind
of magic that your movies provide.Thank you.billiemiles@nobodylikesme.net |
6-24-03 Hello.
My name is Mike and I just wanted to pass a message on to Lloyd. I've
read both of his books and I think they are 2 of the best books written
about filmmaking. I've been a fan of Troma for over 12 years and the
influence they've had on me has been phenomenal. Every script I've written
and bad short I've made (I think I'm getting better with that) has been
in the Troma vein. From my lesbian clown script to my psycho clown short
(hey, I see a pattern here). I don't usually write fan letters but I just
wanted to let you know that you've made a very big impact on my life. Also, I want to thank you for all the hard work you and the Troma Team have done entertaining me and other Troma fans.Thanks,
Mike Style |
6-19-03
Dear Mr Kaufman, My name is Andrew,
and Im a big fan of your movies and . Right now its about 6:30 in the
a.m and I am writing you to congratulate you on your book "make your
own damn movie". I bought it last night, (actually my friend mike and
I split it.) And spent the majority of the night and this morning reading
it cover to cover. I started about 10:30 or so stopped to eat but read
it right through the night. I think its fucking fantastic! I don't know
if I am a good critic or even a decent on, but I have always liked your
writing stlye (Lloyd's roids) and I think your bloody brilliant. I just
kinda needed to say that. I have sent emails about working for troma
someday and hope to meet you. thanks for the attentionAndrew |
6-19-03 Dear Lloyd (or
Mr. Asshole if you prefer), Like Trent Haaga,
I have been watching Troma movies since I was "dick high".
I have read your first book and I just finished reading "Make Your
Own Damn Movie!" As a long time fan of your work both in print
and on celluloid. I want to thank you for giving someone like myself
truly independent art to watch, and for writing books they are both
entertaining and insiteful about the movie making industry. I must say
that out of all the movies in the Troma library the movies that you
directed, in my opinion are the best. I am an aspiring director myself,
which I have you to thank for it. I am currently writing my first script,
which still has a fuckload more to be written. Though I'd much rather
shoot using film, because I think overall it would look better, for
budgeting reasons I'm going to have to shoot on Digital Video. I'm going
to have to direct this movie with as little money as possible. I'm going
to do the best with what I am givien, after all Indiana isn't exactly
the film Mecca of the Midwest. We supposedly have a film commission
in this state, but how do I know for sure when their webisite is down?
I do believe that the East Coast is the Mecca for Independent Film from
Your movie to the movies of John Waters (Pink Flamingos) and Frank Henelotter
(Basket Case, Frankenhooker). Lloyd you will always be at the top of
the list. Again I want to thank you for sharing your vision with me
and the rest of the world (at least those willing and able to see it). Thanks and Keep
Makin' Art
Loyal Troma Fan,
Jonathan GP.S. In case
you were wondering my e-mail address "devilman" is named for
the Devilman that one of your favorite anime directors created. Go Nagi
the
anime director you liked so much to give him a small part in The Toxic
Avenger Part II. |
6-11-03
Dear Mr Kaufman, My name is Andrew,
and Im a big fan of your movies and . Right now its about 6:30 in the
a.m and I am writing you to congratulate you on your book "make your
own damn movie". I bought it last night, (actually my friend mike and
I split it.) And spent the majority of the night and this morning reading
it cover to cover. I started about 10:30 or so stopped to eat but read
it right through the night. I think its fucking fantastic! I don't know
if I am a good critic or even a decent on, but I have always liked your
writing stlye (Lloyd's roids) and I think your bloody brilliant. I just
kinda needed to say that. I have sent emails about working for troma
someday and hope to meet you. thanks for the attentionAndrew |
6-11-03 Lloyd,
I just wanted to let you know that I just finished reading "Make Your
Own Damn Movie" and am about to read it again (with a notebook and pen
this time). I have to say that I have read tons of film books, I went
to film school, I did unpaid internships everywhere; what a waste of
time. In reading your book (both of them actually) I just read the best
film book, taken the best courses and just done lousiest unpaid internship
of all time. Your book is amazing. I have never ever ever ever been
taught so much. Merci beaucoup. Lloyd, your books are amzing. As long
as you keep writing them, I'll keep paying money to buy them. If I could
ask you some advice though. I am about to think about preproduction
for my horror movie (complete with t & a & g) and I have a couple of
questions. Firstly, when I write up a contract I am not sure what counts
as the terms for profit of percentages that the film pays out. I have
heard of "rolling" percentages, but am really quite unsure. I would
like to give my investors back a percentage of what the film makes back
(including all income since it is their money). What are the terms for
percentages in a movie contract? Is there a way that I own 100% of the
film but can still give out percentages of profit to investors? In your
book you mention that you might send out samples of Troma contracts;
if at all possible, can I possibly see a template or example of a Troma
investor contract? I know that this is all asking alot, and I know that
you are probably very busy, having just gotten back from France. Thank
you for writing such a great book. Long live Troma! Corey K,
Canada |
6-11-03
Greetings Lloyd, I'm halfway through
your book and I haven't thrown it away yet. (Just kidding.) It's very
informative and the footnotes are hilarious! I'm gaining valuable insights
into areas of filmmaking that I hadn't even considered. (It's good to
know that toilet troubles happen to everyone.) Thank you for writing
it. Have a great day. KENNETH M
Buffalo |
| 6-11-03 I've been
a fan of Troma all of my life. Unconsciously, that is. Although I have
only been deeply interested in Troma movies for about a year (when I
purchased the Tox
Box) I've actually been a fan of Toxic Avenger since I was about
6. When ever I get the chance to see a raunchy film i take it. And their
is always a point in the film when I remember strolling through the
video store with my parents (keep in mind I was six then) pursuing the
family section. I was tired of movies about talking bears that loved
everybody and the pedophilic plots of those Disney films that were pouring
one after another into the theatres at those times. So I sauntered over
to the Horror section when they weren't looking and I grabbed the most
appealing movie cover I could find, and by miracle It happened to be
the Toxic Avenger.Well my parents are very opened minded people so
they rented it for me. I watched that movie until my parents thought
that it would catch fire. My only regret was that the next kid to rent
it would get a copy of a great film with crappy audio and tracking.
Well subconsciously the film stuck with me. Although you hear this all
the time I decided since I was reading your book "Make Your Own Damn
Movie" I should write to commend you on it. I've only owned for a few
hours and I've only reached page 47, but so far I know that it will
help in some way (hopefully) on my first feature film in which hell
or high water I will write this summer and shoot next school year. I
am going to make it for at least $500 (fingers crossed) and it will
definitely be filled with gore and a whole hell of a lot of fucked up
humor.I would love to be apart of one of your productions, but I'm
assuming that would be impossible considering I'm only 16. But maybe
when high schools over I can take a trip to New York and I can get drunk
with a cinema master. Maybe by then I might even have a few tips for
him in return. Keep working, don't give up. I'm hoping that I will become
a legend like yourself just to be able to pass on the legacy to a fed
up, military brat that's tired of being bored and bored with being nothing.
And motivate him to get off his ass and make his own damn movie.Mo Jo |
6-11-03
Dear: Mr.Kaufman: My name is Noel and I first saw Toxic Avenger when
I was 3 years old (now iam 14) and to tell you the truth I loved it
and I now own Toxic avenger 1,2,3 and Citizen toxic also Sgt. Kabukiman
NYPD, Class of nukem High 1,2,3. I also want to tell you my brother
and friend are now troma fanatics. But Iam really want to say is Thank
you!! Because of you my brain is faced on becoming a director. But I
want to know Will you ever make a movie that will hit local big screens?
why did you make kabukiman a drunk? Will there be toxic avenger 5? And
will you make another toxic avenger based cartoon for kids?Thanx a lot Sincerely,
Noel C |
| 6-11-03 This is
a thank you, though i'm sure you get plenty of these... probably enough
today already to look upon this with irritation "damnit, another one
of these?" But I felt the need to say it anyway. For years, I was one
of the millions of idiots running around with ideas for films that I'd
make 'someday'. That is, I was until I picked up 'All Ii need to know
about filmmaking I learned from The Toxic Avenger.' It grabbed me by
that balls and got me up off my ass. I can do this... I can do this.
Hell of a thing. Then I became an even peskier creature... an idiot
with ideas for films with a camera, crew, some money, and [thanks to
your book] motivation.... and after a month of hard fights and adversity,
I found myself reaching post-production... where things really slowed
down... vietnam war quagmire slow.. .and morale dropped off the chart....
and I found myself wandering the streets of Denver, CO. wondering to
myself why i keep the fight going... why don't I give up and try to
live a normal, sane life?... then i found 'Make Your Own Damn Movie!'
on the shelf of a bookstore.... it was being trapped in a snowstorm
for three weeks, surviving off of pieces of my own thigh... then being
rescued and treated to a hot meal of something other than my own flesh.
So I felt the need to say that you... thank you for reminding me that
it is worth it... every goddamn, sometimes painful minute of it.Nicholas
G |
6-10-03
Whats up Lloyd, I am a really big fan of you and Troma. Since I was
like 5, I use to watch The
Toxic Crusaders, I had no idea their was a movie of the Toxic Avenger
i rented it and loved it. Im hopin i can work for Troma when i grow
up. Im 15. I just gotta say your book is awsome and the movies you direct.
Heres is a pic i drew of you in school just for fun and keep up the
work. Citizen Toxie was great. I got
a site and its like a jackass site kind of but it has some of my
editing skills in it. TROMA 4 LIFE
Alex |
| 3-25-03 hey Lloyd,I told my wife
about your
new book and she flipped. She was such a huge fan of the
last one! You have no idea on how huge of a Troma fan I am married
to.I look forward
to talking to you more about the Cannibal
10th Anv thing as well as the interview. We are such huge fans of
Ted Raimi as well. Lunatics a love story should have been a Troma film!We will be sure
to hook you up with more orgazmo swag than you can shake a plastic dick
at. spread it around and get the word out!Anyway, wanted
to thank you for getting back with me..and remembering me! You don't
know how much that means to me and how much more sex I get from my wife
now that she knows you know who I am. So..what would that be...not a
star fucker...but..a associated star fucker that she's married to anyway.
Something.Talk to you soon!Happy Travels!Mattt |
3-25-03
This is a short "THANK YOU" message for i had been at the
TROMA festival organized by KARMEN Co. I
have to tell that me myself as i am - i do not go to the movie theatres
very often but this time i could hardly contain myself which i definetely
do not regret not a moment .
Again and again
and as ever THANX FOR THE INSIGHT & FUN!!! !!! !!! Hope everything
goes well in Tromaville and with you too , of course ...
Bestest, max . P.S. "HELLO"
to all in Tromaville . |
3-25-03 Dear Lloyd,
I just bought citizen
toxie on dvd, and i have to say i'm impressed. i have already seen
the movie about 100 times since i have got it in my possession a year
ago. it is such an awesome movie, and i can't wait for tales from the
crapper.
i watched the documentary first, and that is what makes the movie even
better. HBO should've made a series out of this instead of that project
greenlight show(which was boring as hell, and the movie turned out really
shitty as well). it was entertaining and educational at the same time.
something you don't get from watching a documentary about a movie. i
love it, and i hope i can read your book very soon.
other than that i did get to read your interview in cinescape magazine.
you did make a good point when you said that most of the movies at Sundance
have distribution. i remember watching the opening ceremonies and they
asked the question, is Sundance important? obviously it isn't if the
true independent filmmakers cant get their film to be shown because
they have to cater to all the movies that already have distribution.
it ends up turning into this showcase of movies going to be released
by the smaller divisions of big major studios, instead of a film festival.
i think it's bullshit, and it if it weren't for festivals like troma
dance or any other smaller film festival, a lot films wouldn't be shown.
i know you're not crazy when you the big conglomerates are taking over
art. an example is the sundance film festival. i mean look who runs
it! it's dripping with hollywood, and it's influence.
anyway, good luck with the dvd sales, and your
book release. when tales from the crapper comes out good luck with
that too.
Samir Asfahani |
3-25-03
Dear Mr. Kaufman I just got in
the Mail today something interesting from Barnes and Noble. "MAKE
YOUR OWN DAMN MOVIE!" what happend is that my sister ordered
it for me for a christmas gift and them fuckers at B&N said that
it would be available by christmas and totaly ripped her off. but it
came in the mail today and i thought it wasn't supposed to be out until
April. but hey it was a nice surprize and i look
forward to reading it. thanks for your time
P.S. the Citizen
Toxie DVD kicks major fucking ass
best wishes
Ian McAndrew
|
| 3-25-03 LloydI saw something
i thought you might be interested in. then again, maybe not. i was driving
to my new home in LA, and passing through New Mexico. I noticed some
of those 1.3 billion dollar Stealth bombers flying through the sky,
and soon learned that many of them were stationed out there in the middle
of nowhere. At a book store in the area i saw a book about them and
flipped through and found that one of the pilots of the bombers named
his The Toxic Avenger and even had the name painted in the cockpit.So there you
have it, a 1.3 billion $ Toxic Avenger. |
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